Routines and Randomness

Larry’s Lollygaggings
Volume 2, Number 2
19 November 2009

Just thinking about…routines and randomness

I think being spontaneous is one of the true joys of living. You know how special the smallest tilt or tweak to your routine can be in making a bad day good or a good day great. Like coming home with flowers when it’s just any old Wednesday, waking up one morning and telling the kids you are taking them to Disney World, or answering the Wal-Mart gal’s “How are you?” with a “Super-dee-dooper!” that makes her giggle. It is what helps spice the otherwise mundane days that we all too often muddle through.

But (my father always said “beware of the ‘buts’; what comes after is the reality”), sometimes the routine things make me wonder.

Why is the seemingly simple routine of a checkout line so difficult? Why is it that the express line at Wholesale Freddy’s Food-O-Rama for 12 items or less? I can’t tell you how many times I put back two things because the lady behind me ratted me out and I was afraid they’d make me return my Happy Dappy Customer Card or something. And why isn’t it 11 items? We all know why not 13. No one would dare buy 13 items for fear of bad luck. Kinda like how there is no 13th floor in a hotel. Do you think those people on the 14th floor are really fooled into a sense of security? And for that matter, if there was a checkout line for 666 items or less and you went on it with 667, would you go to Hell? See what goes through my mind when I’m waiting to restock on the necessities that I save so much money on by going to the wholesaler’s club?

Who decided that the senior citizen’s discount at Zippy Mart starts at 62? Or 65 at The Rusty Buddah Asian Seafood House? It’s only 55 at Plastic Bag Mart. I don’t know how it will be when I’m at those senior ages. But with it coming up faster than my lunch after reading the health department bacterial culture report at a Chuck E. Cheese’s, I hope I can remember what age is what discount at what place. As it is, I already have trouble figuring out what my own kids’ names are – just come over here…YOU!

What about the random way people spell? There must be 100 spellings for ‘omelet’.

Or the random way people speak? No one thinks of what words mean anymore. It seems that every time I go to the out, I hear someone say add some senseless words like “where are the cracker jacks?”… “they were around the corner yet.” I guess the randomization of language has invaded our lives. We should have been warned when Missing Persons sang ‘What are words for?’. (On a related note, it is Cracker Jack. Not Jacks. That is a game, not a snack.)

Hey, maybe I liked the thrill of surprise! Now, automation has taken the randomness out of my life. My car is idiot-proof so I won’t lock the keys in it, my phone dials people by name so I can’t call my parents when I am at using any phone other than my own, my toaster won’t let me burn my bagel…MAYBE I LIKE IT THAT WAY! I’m so frustrated at organization in my life that I had to buy a circa-1972 toaster on ebay from ColdWarEraSurplus.com just so I could have a well done, crunchy poptart. Does anyone have any idea what the shipping charge is from bloc Vladbekistan?

It seems the only spontaneity left in my life is finding out if that my shopping cart is the one with one crippled wheel that twists and screeches and binds up when pushed. Of course, this wheel problem only starts when you are as far away from the front of the store as possible. Too far to go back, we’ve all thought about stealing Old Lady McGurtie’s cart when she was thump-testing the melons. I know. I know. The bad carts look just like the good ones – mixed in so well, they are impossible to pick out. But coming down the aisle, I’m as easy to spot as Opie Griffith juggling flaming chainsaws in a Carmen Miranda hat on a solid gold unicycle playing the electric guitar in Duke Ellington’s Band.

Anyway, looks like I finally finished the 55 gallon industrial drum of sauerkraut that I bought at Costco to save 5 cents in 1987. It took years of sauerkraut pancakes and sauerkraut parmigiana to do it. Maybe I’ll surprise the kids with a new supply.

And, by the way, what do you do when the public bathroom sink is so dirty that you don’t want to wash your hands?...just thinking.