Hair

Larry’s Lollygaggings
Volume I, Number I
28 May 2008

Just thinking about…Hair

I‘ve had so many kind compliments from so many people who enjoy reading the stories about my meanderings that I have decided to take a shot at blogging.

Let me start by saying that I don’t really like that word – blog. It just sounds mysterious in an unsanitary way. I am also not one to quickly grasp nouveau words, concepts, and ideas, I’m not particularly ‘fresh’, and my underwear is...get this…UNDER my pants! Novel idea, huh?

My goal is to concentrate on things other than the new ‘hood’ vocabulary, a new way to wear my baseball cap, set my ringtone, use the latest IM abbreviations, knowing whether or not having a sheep thrown at me on myfacebookspace is a compliment or a curse, or pour over, oh, let’s say…my hair.

Now, I know I don’t have much in the hair department. But that might just be a blessing. I never did grasp the concept of spending whoknowshowmuchtime making sure your hairdo is perfect. I usually apply whatever bottle of shampoo is most neglected and don’t think twice. I usually don’t even read the label. If it was up to me, I’d use Lava soap with pumice as a shampoo. That way I could get a scalp massage at the same time. But I don’t. You see, sometimes my near-perfect wife, Martha, tries something new and, after one use, decides better of the purchase. It is then up to me, the frugal waste-hater, to finish the junk. Heaven forbid I throw out the bottle of nastiness. For example, there was the time it took me the better part of 6 months to finish the Burt’s Grapefruit and Sugar Beet, Organic, PETA-blessed, environmentally-friendly, hypo-Republican shampoo. Every morning I would open it and not know if I should lather, chug, or organize an Obama ’08 rally. Until I first tried the stuff, I never realized how little I wanted to smell food in the shower. Sounds like a good idea, but trust me, don’t eat in the shower. Unless, of course, it’s bacon. ‘Cause bacon is good. Anyway, after about 3 months of trying to use up the stuff, Martha tells me I’m using too much! I’m lectured on how I should only use a dime’s worth at a time because I have so little hair. OK, I thought, she has a point. But, now that she mentions it, I have more hair. I started using it on my legs, underarms, you get the point. Yes, I finally finished the bottle, but I had a period of time where goats were stationed outside my door every morning and winking at me like I was Carmen Miranda at harvest time.

I also don’t understand shampoo directions: 1. Lather 2. Rinse 3. Repeat.

Kinda reminds me of Jason’s 1980 Atari 800 computer (If you remember that, I have a great Fabulous Moolah story for you). So here we go, retro-geeks. Back then, you would write lines of computer code in BASIC like this:

10 PRINT “Tommy is a pud”
20 GOTO 10

The screen would then print Tommy is a pud over and over and over until you hit the break key. Remember that? While I’m at it, was it REALLY fun to stay at the YMCA? To play at the YMCA? I think not. Anyway, we all thought we were Steve Wozniak. We might have been if we could ever do anything besides that. I actually took a computers class at Rutgers thinking that was enough computer programming knowhow to get me an easy ‘A’. Did it work out? I’m now a burrito-making chiropractor…you guess the answer.

Back to the hair. I lather, rinse, lather, rinse, lather, rinse…how many times until I can stop this vicious cycle? I’ll ask my therapist. Actually, I’ve burned out my 5th therapist and I have a new one. Usually after a few sessions with me they go into a bit more soothing profession like blindfolded flaming chainsaw juggling pit bull trainer. I guess I’ll have to ask my personal hair product advisor, Anne Marie. She has given me some great tips on how and when to use the stuff. Some people sing in the shower, I think of Anne Marie.

Don’t you feel so completely out of your element bathing at someone else’s house? There is absolutely zero percent chance that they have ANY item in their tub that you normally use. I mean none. No chance. No way. No how. Look, I’m not asking for much. I know that It is not reasonable to hope they also use Coast Summer Breeze Bath Bar Limited Edition Bronze Color Soap, but can I just have a something that has a word I can read and understand??? It’s either in French or says pumice bar or cleansing step or body rejuvenator or exfoliate accelerator. Please! Stop the ride! I want to get off! A year ago I had to send one jar to the FBI for evaluation and recognition. Worst of all is seeing a cavalcade of bottles with useless, meaningless pictographs trying to tell me what they are. I never understand them. The last time I was at Jeanine’s house, I had to have Brian bring in his Pokemon Trainer Strategy and Guidebook in to the bathroom to walk me through the process of selecting which hair and body product to use. I ended up getting 35 hit points when Squirtle used his conditioner attack on Pickachu. Can someone please just keep a bottle of Prell and a cake of Ivory under the sink in case I show up?

And another thing; I don’t feel comfortable using someone else’s loofa. Or even my own, for that matter.

By the way, if the soap gets you clean, what gets the soap clean?

Just thinking.